Guest post by 'Jenius McGee'

Dustin says: Today Canary Movie Reviews is graced with the talents of a comedian using the nombre de pluma “Jenius McGee.” He offers his take on the movie critics are calling “intriguing and unexpected” (Roth Cornet, IGN), Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction.

Here’s J…

If you are like me, summer can suck it. It’s too hot to really enjoy outdoor activities. You get all sweaty and gross and it’s no fun at all. There are only three really good things about summer. No school, skimpy clothes and summer blockbusters. A great way to beat the heat is to sit in a cool dark room and watch a movie while your brain goes off. This exactly what the new Transformers movie was meant for.  I went to see this movie to basically beat the heat. It’s been given a lot of bad reviews and there is a lot of Michael Bay hate out there, so I went just to cool off and shut down my brain.

Maybe it was the lowered expectations, but I liked this movie. By no means is it quality cinema, but if you want to watch robots go “pew pew pew” for almost three hours, this is the way to go. Honestly, I don’t understand all the Michael Bay hate. I like Michael Bay movies. DON’T QUIT READING!! I know a lot of movie snobs think what I just said is pure heresy, but hear me out. Michael Bay knows what a lot of people like. They like to see shiny things go boom. He does what he does and he does it well. He makes no qualms about it. He knows he’s not making fine art. He’s The Boones Wine of movies.  Cheap, but gets the job done.

Transformers: Age of Extinction stars Mark Wahlberg as an inventor (lol) with a Boston accent in the middle of rural Texas (LOL). He’s down on his luck and broke. He can barely make ends meet and he’s about to lose his house. Cue the magic. He finds an old beat up truck and spends his last few dollars for it, much to the chagrin of his daughter, played by Nicola Peltz (Bates Motel), whose shorts seem to get shorter and shorter as the movie progresses. Well low and behold, this truck is not just a truck, but a Transformer, and not just a Transformer, but Optimus Prime, the leader of the good Transfomers. Now the fun can begin. It turns out that all Transformers and being hunted and destroyed by a shadowy CIA group led by character actor Titus Welliver and ran by Kelsey Grammer in full Boss/Sideshow Bob villain mode. Then: Explosions Explosions Explosions. Explanation of why Transformers are being hunted, not a good one, but OK. Transfomers being tortured and killed, so if you child is sensitive to this tell them to quit their bitching and grow up. It’s a movie and a robot for Chrissakes.

The movie says she's only 17.

Enter the two high points of the movie. No, not the daughter’s shorts, but the introduction of the two best characters in the movies. Stanley Tucci as a Steve Jobs-like character who starts off as a 2-Dimentional character, but due to the awesome power of The Tucci, grows to be well-liked and a loveable asshole. And the other high point of the movie is the Autobot named Hound, voiced by the amazing John Goodman.  This Autobot steals the scene every time his grizzled warrior robot self in on. His voice casting is perfect, and the way he is rendered, if John Goodman was really a 20-foot-tall robot who could turn into an ammunition truck, this is exactly what he would look like.

John Goodman as Hound.

Now this film is not without its many faults. The plot is kinda convoluted and hard to follow. While it’s a dumb movie, it tries to act smart which makes it even more dumb and hard to understand, like an annoying cousin with a mouth full of peanut butter trying to explain quantum physics. There is also a subplot of the daughter and the boyfriend and the dad all trying to get along, while sometimes it’s funny, it can wear a little thin. Especially when the boyfriend is supposed to be Irish, but the accent moves and changes so much, his vocal chords should be Transformers in themselves. The one big beef I have with this movie is the Dino bots.

Character/toy from this movie/toy commercial.

They are prominently displayed on all the advertisements, the commercials and trailers, and even the toys, but they are only in it for the last 20 minutes or so. What’s up with that? Yeah, they are cool, but they never really explained them. They just said they are ancient warriors. No shit, they are dinosaurs. Where did they come from and why didn't they help out in parts 1, 2 or 3 if they have been here for so long? They were cool to look at, but left a bad taste in my mouth, like the time I mixed marbles for gumballs.

All and all I liked this movie. It got me out of the heat and entertained me for 3 hours. Not bad. I rate it 3 ½ stats out of five which basically translates as somewhere between “it’s OK” and “it’s not bad, pretty good.”  Don’t go expecting good cinema, go to enjoy a movie. Turn your brain off and let Michael Bay entertain you. Grab some popcorn, a large drink, or drinks if you’re like me, and enjoy a break from the heat.  So until next time “Turn off your damn phone in the theater.” Jenius, over and out.