Transformers: Age of Extinction

Dustin: 1.5 of 5 stars Nick: 1.5 of 5 stars Average: 1.5 of 5 stars (Canary on life support)

Dustin: In Transformers: Age of Extinction, Marky Mark takes a break from committing hate crimes to help the leader of the good Transformers, Optimus Prime, escape from the evil CIA that will stop at nothing, including killing innocent underage civilians, to capture all Transformers (because that’s totally the kind of thing the CIA does). Meanwhile, the CIA, under the leadership of Dr. Frasier Crane, wants to get their hands on “the seed,” which turns all organic matter into Transformer metal. Frasier is assisted by a bad Transformer who wants to kill Optimus Prime for some reason. All this happens to give the audience the illusion this movie has a plot.

Nick: These films basically just have a Macguffin and everything goes from there. A Macguffin is a plot device (normally an object or goal) driving the protagonist forward. The term was coined by Alfred Hitchcock and seems to be the first thing written in to the Transformah’s scripts.

Dustin: This movie had a script? I got the feeling they were making it up as they went along. Where were the plants and payoffs? The dinosaur Transformers just appeared when they were convenient to the action. One of the good guys suddenly has a tow truck when he needs it. I don’t think there was anything other than an outline for this movie.

Nick: Disagreed! The whole script would be action scenes stating how the robots are hitting each other (BANG) and or being thrown into other large objects (KERPLUSH). The human characters is where I’d agree that they just have an outline and are told to over emote every feeling they possibly could possibly, like reality TV.

Dustin: I just found the script for the movie...

Nick: Just to make sure, are you saying “Defectocon” as a joke?

Dustin: I don’t know, I don’t know anything about the Transformers. Who gives a shit?

Nick: I can say one positive. This is my favorite Transformers film since the first one. Roger Ebert once stated there are about 10 films he has seen to which if somebody said they liked he would think less of them. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is one of those 10 for me. I forget if it was one for Ebert as well. With Transformers: Dark of the Moon I couldn’t make it past the first 10 minutes of the film. (Though I was on a plane watching it on my phone.) I chose to read a book instead. So the third one doesn’t count, I guess, but even Michael Bay came out and said that he didn’t like Transformers 3. If Bay doesn’t like a Bay movie then how could I force myself to like it?

Dustin: I haven’t seen any of the other Transformer movies, and I don’t think I’m missing much. It doesn’t make for much of an endorsement when you say reading a book is more interesting than a Transformers movie. I liked the toys as a kid, but I never got into the cartoon. It was just fun changing them from vehicles to robots and back. I don’t really “get” these movies. They’re robot aliens, but one of them looks and sounds Japanese. That doesn’t make any sense.

It also doesn't make sense that Marky Mark is a genius mechanical engineer, but can’t afford to send his daughter to any college.

I also had trouble suspending disbelief when the human good guys were falling through the air, and Optimus Prime would catch them with his clunky metal hands, crash through a building, and they’d come through unscathed.

Nick: I was obsessed with Transformers: Beast Wars when I was growing up. The episodes would play throughout the week early in the morning before I had to go to school. I recently purchased all of the Beast Wars seasons and tried watching them, but I couldn’t make it past the second of any season episode. Lesson here is just enjoy remembering loving something as a kid, but don’t go looking for it as an adult. It was the first 3-D animated show I recall seeing. The second being Reboot. I notice I’m hardly talking about the Transformers movie, which is probably because if you’ve seen the previous installments you’ve seen this one, and I can personally find more interesting things to talk about.

Dustin: “Lesson here is just enjoy remembering loving something as a kid, but don’t go looking for it as an adult.” Ditto new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

You mentioned to me in the parking lot after we saw Pain & Gain Michael Bay only casts hot women in his films. If an unattractive woman makes it in, it is for a joke (such as the fat, black realtor and the three old Chinese ladies). I found all the hot women distracting. Women working in the background of a laboratory don’t all have to be 10s. In real life, the only man who has a daughter as hot as Nicola Peltz is Nelson Peltz. Only using unattractive women as a joke is incredibly mean-spirited. This is a very ugly movie in that sense.

Nick: When you said Bay casts only hot women in his film, my mind went to how he loves to reboot cartoons we loved as children, which I then went to things considered old classics, and I thought of Michael Bay’s Schindler’s List. I have been laughing to myself for the past minute. He could still keep all of his women because they are all skinny enough. They make me look like I need to shed a pound, and I’ve been made fun of with the line, “What are those twigs comings out of your shoulders?” my entire life.

Dustin: The Last Psychiatrist’s interview with Not Michael Bay sheds some lights on his casting decisions: http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/07/my_name_is_michael_bay_and_i_j.html

There were some aspects of the movie I enjoyed. The comic relief towards the beginning worked (although it outgrew its welcome after about 30 minutes). I’d say the first act had me going. There were neat sound effects--the kind of thing you take for granted in a movie. Otherwise, I found this movie obnoxious and kind of boring.

Nick: The film did a great job of casting comedians to fill small roles, like T.J. Miller and Tom Lennon. Though the latter was given nothing funny to do, which is a shame. My favorite casting would be Stanley Tucci. The man gives his all no matter what film he’s in. Tucci carried this film enough for me to finish it. To me the sound effects were lazy. Though when 2 hours of a 2 hour 40 MINUTE film are explosions, it would be hard to blame someone for being lazy and just reusing the same sounds throughout.

I noticed that I could use this review for every Michael Bay film that has been made in the last decade and just change the name of the film, characters and actors and it would probably be exactly how I felt. If Bay can be lazy and use the same shots, poses, and sequences in his films then can’t I be lazy with my reviews of Bay’s movies?